I am going to repeat what someone in recovery have said – “when you are sober you feel better – you feel anger better, you feel resentment better, you feel depression better, you feel anxiety better” But though this there is an underlying peace when working the program. For me, I receive little vistas of various new ways of being and then they fade, but each day I try to spend more and more time in that new way of being and find more and more room in my heart for the good. Training my mind and heart is kinda like training a puppy to come back on task when it is prone to wander – it takes patience and consciousness of God, what it feels like to wander from Him, and a willingness to come back to Connection. There are times when I feel as empty or anxious as ever and I have to remind myself of the concept of progressive victory – and practice patience!
I have a couple of recovering friends dealing with rejection from their spouse. Staying sober and fully connected to God through this kind of pain (and working on their own and not their wive’s recovery) is often their last hurdle to experiencing God, and not woman, as their Higher Power. Sometimes they get to keep their wives in the process.
Prior to marriage, I wish every man could gain such an affection for their Father in Heaven and their brothers, and make such everyday sexual and fantastical sacrifices to God as necessary, so as to, more and more, rise up and be Men of God. Then they can truly love their woman in the first place; not having this boyish dependence on her and her perceptions, feelings, views, and actions that I now so typically see in recovering men. And thus not have to go through the pain of growing up as married – or soon to be divorced – men.
Keep working on making the love and fear of God your primary compulsion and joy – and continue to find satisfaction in connecting and standing in the light – on equal footing – with your fellow man!!! I believe that more and more your unconscious feelings of obligation will more and more be to do God’s will in all things at all times and in all places! Be diligent and patient and very prayerful in this ongoing transformation.
Sponsors simply sow. Their seeds fall on different types of ground and then do what they do on the kind of ground they land on. Sponsors are diligent and patient in providing structure and guidance. Our sponsees receive it or reject it one-choice-at-a-time themselves. We don’t do the work, we provide the program and God does the work through the program to those who receive it.
The best attitude for a sponsor is “I love my brother, but am doing this as much for myself as them.”
There is no ego investment relative to how our sponsees do – sadness, perhaps, but never something personal.
And as we more and more come to God rather than the fantasy of what a woman (or man) will do for us, we are more and more ready to truly love a woman (or man). This is the key to a great and lifelong romance!
Addictive minds have a hypersensitivity to perceived injustices against themselves. While they see themselves as reacting fairly to an unjust reality, to the outside observer – especially their wives and mothers and other women close to them – they are easily seen as acting like babies.
For most sex addicts, lust, and self-pity regarding the way we might be treated by a women are so closely tied together that we began to notice that we feel the tone of one as we are tempted to go into the other and visa versa. As I have practiced letting go of expectations of how a woman should feel about me and treat me, lust has faded into the background of my life. Of course, as lust fades into the background, I am more and more able to keep my focus on serving without worrying if the woman is sufficiently attending to me or sees me fairly. More and more then, if I do need to address something, I can do it maturely in an inviting spirit that builds the relationship- not with side-comments or subtle slams or anger or coolness or withdrawal. Conversely, after relapses, I would start to notice “injustices” and take it out on those closest to me.