As difficult as it may seem in the present, those who apply themselves to CPR’s program of recovery look back in gratitude at this crisis. This is because pornography and other sexual addictions do not resolve as a matter of your husband’s simply dropping any bad habit: healing demands his experiencing an entire change of heart; a different way of being.
CPR’s facilitating you and your husband’s real-life emotional connection is something that can contribute to him staying sober over time. But regardless of whether or not this connection occurs, or whether it is right or wrong for you to stay with him, his sexually acting out never was, or is, your fault – whatever your own personal weaknesses of fears may be.
While the effects of these betrayals – pornography or infidelity or both – are literally devastating to both you and him – his actions are his responsibility only.
The important thing is that you do your own independent work to recover from the likely trauma which has occurred from the betrayal of your expectations. As this personal healing occurs, you can see more clearly how you might help mend the relationship if that is what you desire. In the meantime, you do not need to carry the shame or feel a need to keep secrets from trusted people in your life.
Again, while your husband’s acting out is painful and disappointing, it provides a vital opportunity for your own growth, wisdom, and strength. It is an opportunity for you to connect in an even more meaningful and mature way with God and others and hopefully your husband if he is willing to do the work.
If it turns out you are both willing – and show this by consistent sobriety and working a program of recovery – a reconnection to an entirely new, stronger, and beautiful relationship will, without question, emerge; one that includes the peace of an ongoing partnership with God and better connection with others. Trust will be restored, and your capacity to both nourish yourselves and give to others will be greatly expanded.
Dr. Chris Hughes, Director, CPR