People enter therapy for a number of reasons. Sometimes it’s because of a relationship and other times it has to do with feeling like they aren’t functioning as well as they would like. This can be the result of anxiety, depression, irritability, sleeplessness, etc. Therapists work with clients to treat these symptoms and hopefully help the client live a more fulfilling life. However, oftentimes finding the root cause and treating that can in turn alleviate pain caused from other symptoms. Imagine taking a painkiller to assuage the pain of a nail in the foot. The painkiller might provide some relief, but the pain might always be there, or at least return, unless the root cause is treated. In this case, the nail needs to be taken out! This is often the case with assessing for and treating trauma in therapy. Treating past trauma gets to the root cause of the pain and can provide relief.
The most common response I get to assessing for trauma in the first couple of sessions is, “But wait! I don’t have any trauma! I’ve had a good life!” Or, “My parents did the best they could. They would be devastated if they knew I thought they could have done better.” Or perhaps, “Sure, some terrible things happened but I’m pretty much over them now.” Sound familiar? The thing with trauma is that those statements can be true and yet you can still be affected by trauma. You might have a good life, but still be affected in some ways by trauma. Your parents might have done the very best they knew how, but it still could have been hurtful for you as a kid—and that might still impact you in adulthood. And yes, you might be largely over pain from the past, but that doesn’t mean you don’t experience any remaining symptoms. For example, here is a list of some symptoms associated with trauma: Anxiety, depression, irritability, insomnia, guilt, shame, withdrawing from others, feeling disconnected or numb, difficulty concentrating, mood swings, fatigue, being startled easily, muscle tension, aches and pains, edginess and agitation, etc. The list goes on and on. This is why I personally always assess for trauma. It doesn’t mean it’s there, it just helps create a more thorough and pertinent treatment plan.
In discussing trauma, there are two types: A traumatic event that fits the DSM-5 criteria for PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and complex trauma, which refers to simultaneous, sequential, and chronic experiences often beginning in childhood. I think it’s important that some examples be given of each.
Some examples of PTSD as defined in the current DSM-5 (the manual for mental disorders that clinicians use when diagnosing and submitting claims to insurances) include extreme events that can be violent or accidental. These events may include feelings of helplessness, horror, fear for one’s own life or the lives of others. A few examples of this type of trauma include rape, war, natural disasters, etc.
However, most of the clients I see don’t fit the criteria for PTSD per say, but they are absolutely experiencing effects of complex trauma. Although Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder has not yet been added to the DSM, there is plenty of literature backing its validity. Complex trauma can include emotional abuse and neglect, sexual abuse, physical abuse, and even being involved or witnessing domestic violence. Complex trauma is what I see the most of in my practice. For example, an only child with two working parents who puts herself to bed each night and wakes herself up each morning may suffer as an adult from the pain of being neglected in childhood, even if her parents were doing all they could to put food on the table. Another example might be a young boy repeatedly molested by a family member as a child. Although he might be a grown adult now with those events long behind him, he might come to therapy presenting to be “terrible” in relationships. Only later would we discover that his fear of intimacy would stem from his childhood experiences of being abused. In both of those examples, assessing for and treating traumas that happened long ago can have a big impact on the effectiveness of therapy.
Do you think you still experience the impacts of a painful past event? Then trauma therapy might be beneficial for you. Clients benefit from a therapist that is empathetic, sensitive, patient, and knowledgeable to properly diagnose and treat it. The last criteria is a must—many therapists don’t receive extensive training on treating trauma. Don’t be afraid to “therapist shop” and ask about their training in dealing with trauma.
Working through trauma is a very personal, emotional journey. Although working through trauma can be painful, it can have a big payoff. It can be liberating and restore hope. It can restore confidence. Perhaps most importantly, it can help us be an advocate for others. Robert Bly once said, “Where a man’s wound is, that is where his genius will be.” Call or email to schedule an appointment today and finally work to put the past, well, in the past.
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.
Kayla is a therapist specializing in trauma. She is trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) and uses its practices in conjunction with emotionally focused and narrative therapy techniques to help clients resolve painful past memories and experiences.
It’s a natural desire for us to want to present our best selves to others. In most of our interactions with others, there seems to be a performance aspect to what we do. We want to prove to be competent in our jobs, to leave a good first impression with those we come in contact with. We want our houses to be neat and tidy when guests come over. We want to post the best and most exciting photos of us on social media.
Although we look nice and clean when we present our “best selves”, sometimes we may feel messy on the inside. Everyone sees the life we live when we are on stage, but very rarely do they get to see the life behind the curtain. The sad thing is that everyone has their hidden messes, and I mean EVERYONE. Just as with the great Wizard of Oz, when you take away the filters and magic tricks, we are all just people trying to do our best.
I believe that a great deal of our depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem comes from trying to hide our life behind the curtain. We tend to say things to ourselves such as, “If people knew who I really am, they wouldn’t love me”, or “I’m not as good as people think I am”. “I act like I’m happy all the time, but on the inside I feel broken”.
At times I wish that I could have known the truth about people’s lives behind the curtain when I was growing up. I would have seen my shortcomings and weaknesses with a lot more acceptance and compassion. My first experience with sharing my life behind the curtain was in therapy. Therapy is a safe and sacred place to start unveiling your authentic self because your vulnerability and openness will be held with no judgment. As you start to open yourself, something crazy will happen, you will begin to find value in the mess that you think you’ve made, you may even begin to love that mess. There is a saying in the world of recovery: “turn your mess into a message”.
We all want to be loved, seen, and heard; but how can someone truly love you if they have only seen a part of you. The parts of you that others can’t see are the parts that need the most attention because they are the parts that need the most healing. As you engage in the healing process you will able to find that every part of you is worth loving. Your healed heart can become a gift that you can share with the world.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a type of therapy that enables people to heal from the distress and ongoing symptoms that can result after experiencing trauma. Repeated studies show that by using EMDR clients can streamline the therapy process; EMDR therapy enables individuals to experience the benefits of years of psychotherapy in a much shorter amount of time.
One study*, focused on sexual assault victims, found that 90% of PTSD sufferers exhibited eliminated symptoms after only 3 sessions of EMDR.
The American Psychiatric Association, the World Health Organization, the Department of Veteran Affairs, and the Department of Defense all recognize EMDR as one of the most effective treatment for trauma and other disturbing events.
Read more about EMDR Psychotherapy: What is EMDR?
Kayla Burningham, AMFT is an EMDR certified therapist, and specializes in helping clients overcome the trauma from their past.
Contact our office to speak with Kayla and learn more.
*Rothbaum, B. (1997). A controlled study of eye movement desensitization and reprocessing in the treatment of post-traumatic stress disordered sexual assault victims. Bulletin of the Menninger Clinic, 61, 317-334.
Marriage therapy is a complicated dynamic. One in which we have to manage what each individual partner may want from the experience as well as what will be truly beneficial to helping the relationship which when done correctly, really becomes the patient that the three of us (yourself, your spouse and the therapist) are trying to heal.
One of the misnomers about marriage therapy is that we are here to help a couple to stop fighting. However, much like a virus or a bacterial infection, the fights that a couple engage in are most often a response to a foreign idea or experience that needs to be understood and addressed, not just ignored.
Humans are passionate and dynamic. When you put two of them together in close quarters and invite them to work together, there are bound to be arguments. What makes a marriage successful is each partner’s ability to repair.
Marriage therapy is not about teaching you to ignore the problem, but it is about getting into the middle of it and learning not how to be right but how to get it right. At Connections Counseling Services, our therapists have specialized training to help you and your partner to learn how to repair hurts, listen, receive and understand one another. As you do, you will notice that although the fights may still happen, they will resolve more quickly and you will feel closer to your partner not farther apart. There is hope and healing ahead. We can help you to find it.
How many have felt our passion to NEVER AGAIN indulge in our addiction has been like the passion of Peter and the other disciples in their protestation to Jesus? “But he spake the more vehemently, If I should die with thee, I will not deny thee in any wise. Likewise said them all.” Mark 14:31
Yet three times that very night they fell asleep when they should have been watching and in the morning they all abandoned Jesus – and Peter denied him. More recently, Christ has said that when we lust after a woman we deny the faith and shall fear (D&C 63:16).
How many of us have gone out and wept bitterly at our weakness?
With all our will and with all our mind we committed time and again…but we lacked one thing. We lacked a Power greater than ourselves living within us from day to day.
So we took step 2: We came (to meetings). We came to (we saw how crazy we had become). We came to believe (that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity). In step 3 we became willing to give all we had to know Him…and so in rigorously living all the steps we found, sooner or later, a Power greater than ourselves that consistently, from day to day over time, lived within us and kept us far from needing to take that first drink of lust.
After Jesus died, Peter and the disciples met in secret, hiding in fear from those powerful authorities he protected himself from by his denial. Soon, perhaps tired of the stagnation his fear was causing, he went fishing again. He subsequently had meetings with Jesus and kept meeting with his fellow believers…and at a very distinct point and not as a specific act of Peter’s will – only perhaps as a result of his ongoing desire and effort – his Higher Power entered into his heart – it was on the day of Pentacost. From that day on, Peter no longer feared…He openly acted in the name of Jesus and when his feared persecutors bound him with threats of death he and the other disciples stated: “We ought to obey God rather than men” and refused to do as they asked. He was free. He led the greatest movement in our history.
Yesterday I remembered how in my addiction, when I felt emotionally cornered, I would sometimes slip (flip!) into a reactive place where I utilized a wickedly efficient and sometimes subtle skill for targeting my wife’s most vulnerable hurts. In retrospect, I see that it was these moments, more than the betrayal, that tipped her over the divorce cliff. Betrayal + Berating = Bye Bye Bob.
Since my remarriage, I found myself dipping my toe into that place on two brief moments, but could immediately read the actual physical effects of my words (and much more than the words, it is the subtle and nasty spirit of their delivery) this time and retreated, for her safety, until I was at peace and able to deal with the issue out of love.
We forget how traumatizing we can be to our wives! One good targeted verbal assault and for years she shuts down every time our voice sounds pressured. Put your hand through the wall one time, and she shuts down every time you happen to close a fist. A lot of tenderness and a lot of time is required to re-establish trust. I can see why a man who has his wife’s trusting heart is a man fit for Celestial Glory!
I am going to repeat what someone in recovery have said – “when you are sober you feel better – you feel anger better, you feel resentment better, you feel depression better, you feel anxiety better” But though this there is an underlying peace when working the program. For me, I receive little vistas of various new ways of being and then they fade, but each day I try to spend more and more time in that new way of being and find more and more room in my heart for the good. Training my mind and heart is kinda like training a puppy to come back on task when it is prone to wander – it takes patience and consciousness of God, what it feels like to wander from Him, and a willingness to come back to Connection. There are times when I feel as empty or anxious as ever and I have to remind myself of the concept of progressive victory – and practice patience!
I have a couple of recovering friends dealing with rejection from their spouse. Staying sober and fully connected to God through this kind of pain (and working on their own and not their wive’s recovery) is often their last hurdle to experiencing God, and not woman, as their Higher Power. Sometimes they get to keep their wives in the process.
Prior to marriage, I wish every man could gain such an affection for their Father in Heaven and their brothers, and make such everyday sexual and fantastical sacrifices to God as necessary, so as to, more and more, rise up and be Men of God. Then they can truly love their woman in the first place; not having this boyish dependence on her and her perceptions, feelings, views, and actions that I now so typically see in recovering men. And thus not have to go through the pain of growing up as married – or soon to be divorced – men.
Keep working on making the love and fear of God your primary compulsion and joy – and continue to find satisfaction in connecting and standing in the light – on equal footing – with your fellow man!!! I believe that more and more your unconscious feelings of obligation will more and more be to do God’s will in all things at all times and in all places! Be diligent and patient and very prayerful in this ongoing transformation.