Do you insist on being stuck? Do you resent God for not just healing you sooner?
I appreciate your open expressions regarding lust and its effects in your life. For most of my life I was more unconscious in my resentment toward God than you are, but nevertheless felt alienated from Him and withdrew from Him in subtle emotional ways, given semblance of prayers and rituals – more in my head as thinking-through than talking-through – with a caring Being. It was hard for me to understand how, in spite of all my thought and efforts, I wasn’t getting healing or resolution. And for most of my adult life I felt abandoned to a situation I felt was irreconcilable. Specifically my hope for romantic love seemed like an apparent impossibility if I were to live the commandments and keep my commitments. As I began my recovery work in earnest, some of this resentment became more conscious, and then I couldn’t understand why God couldn’t have led me to the tools and blessings of recovery and sobriety much earlier – why did I need to be in my mid-forties after having lost everything?
I have since felt more and more of God’s goodness and tender love and that His kind presence was always there, stable and sure. In a related way, I could also better see my role in maintaining my conflicts and problems within the context of the raw reality of this difficult mortal experience.