Tag: marriage counseling

Doing the Laundry

Doing the Laundry

I don’t know about you, but laundry has always been an interesting dilemma for my family and me. Growing up in a family of 12 we had a bag and crate system to help get the clothes to the washroom and then back to our closets. My mom’s biggest chore in our home was to wash the laundry. Besides the bags and crates we also had the famous “sock bucket” where all the socks ended up needing to be sorted or left partnerless . . . probably to this day.

Now, with my family of five, we oftentimes deal with the laundry couch where all the clean clothes wait to be folded. I have learned that it is easy to have the washer and dryer do their job but sometimes finding the time to fold and store is a personal challenge. Many times, we have to run the clothes to the bedroom or even put them back in the dryer if guests are coming over—until we can better deal with them.

You are probably wondering why I am talking about laundry on a therapy blog or why I am sharing about my struggle with laundry. The reason is because I think our feelings are very similar laundry. See, everyone has laundry and as humans we also have feelings. In fact, we have a lot of feelings.

Just like laundry—we have our darks, whites, colors, and delicates. And just like laundry, we all have to constantly do something with them. This can be tricky, especially when dealing with gentle fabrics, hard stains, or even when too many have piled up, and it becomes overwhelming to where we have to take our laundry to a dry cleaner. As a therapist, I have noticed that learning to do emotional laundry is an essential skill for individuals and families.

Take a moment and think about how you learned to do your emotional laundry. I fear that in a lot of homes we treat our feelings and emotions like laundry. In many families, mom takes care of the laundry for everyone—separating, washing, drying, sorting, folding, and storing which is quite the task. That has to be exhausting. Think about your current family—who does the emotional laundry in your home? Do you and your partner work together? Is this a task that you discuss or does one partner always feel burdened with this important detail? It is my belief that a strong and healthy practice is that everyone learn to be responsible for doing their own wash while also pitching in to help the entire family get through laundry day.

As parents, we have the awesome responsibility and opportunity to help our children learn to sort through their feelings and deal with them on a regular basis so they don’t become overwhelming. Oftentimes the 2 hardest tasks for anyone to learn are to identify different feelings and know where they belong. It is important that we treat delicate feelings different than others and understand that the process of dealing with them is special and important. Helping children name strong and vulnerable feelings helps them to normalize their experience and know that they are not alone. It also gives them permission to accept their feelings and parents the opportunity to let them know how they can best deal with some strong emotions.

As intimate partners we have the great opportunity to “lighten each other’s load”. Although each partner should ultimately be responsible for their own feelings we also depend on each other to take care of and care for each other’s emotional needs. Part of being a human is to experience a wide range of feelings and emotions during different times in our life. The best part of being in an intimate relationship is that we get to have help during those times. Sometimes all we need to know is that we have a helping hand when folding an endless pile of mismatched socks.

strengthening-your-marriage

Take the chance today to help your family with their daily laundry. Maybe you validate your child’s softer feelings today or you take some extra time noticing the wrinkles and the stains on your partner’s favorite shirt. Maybe you just notice the beautiful threads and textures of all the different feelings and emotions we get to experience and just accept them as part of our great human experience without defining them as good or bad, right or wrong, but just different and unique. Try to not let your emotional laundry pile up and become unbearable. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or guidance when it does appear to be too much, that is what family, friends, and therapists are for after all.

Call today to schedule and appointment with Jeremy at 801.272.3420

How Does Marriage Counseling Work?

By Chris Adams, AMFT

Marriage therapy is a complicated dynamic. One in which we have to manage what each individual partner may want from the experience as well as what will be truly beneficial to helping the relationship which when done correctly, really becomes the patient that the three of us (yourself, your spouse and the therapist) are trying to heal.Marriage- it is not about being right, it is about getting it right.

One of the misnomers about marriage therapy is that we are here to help a couple to stop fighting. However, much like a virus or a bacterial infection, the fights that a couple engage in are most often a response to a foreign idea or experience that needs to be understood and addressed, not just ignored.

Humans are passionate and dynamic. When you put two of them together in close quarters and invite them to work together, there are bound to be arguments. What makes a marriage successful is each partner’s ability to repair.

Marriage therapy is not about teaching you to ignore the problem, but it is about getting into the middle of it and learning not how to be right but how to get it right. At Connections Counseling Services, our therapists have specialized training to help you and your partner to learn how to repair hurts, listen, receive and understand one another. As you do, you will notice that although the fights may still happen, they will resolve more quickly and you will feel closer to your partner not farther apart. There is hope and healing ahead. We can help you to find it.

Premarital Couples Counseling – Is that really a thing???

by Kayla Burningham, AMFT

Premarital Couples Counseling — Is that really a thing???

Marriage is the biggest decision a person will make in life. We all enter  marriage with high hopes that the relationship will be fulfilling, rewarding, and long lasting. Additionally, we hope the marriage will be of benefit to future children—protecting them from mental, physical, emotional, educational, and social problems. However, despite the best intentions, according to the American Psychological Association a whopping 40-50% of marriages end in divorce, severely impacting all parties involved, especially children. What if there was a way to help prevent becoming included in this grim statistic?

Premarital couples counseling is quickly becoming a popular new trend—and according to research it is proving to be effective. One particular study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that premarital education decreased the odds of divorce by 31%!!! Additionally, couples in the study reported higher marital satisfaction, less destructive conflicts, and more commitment to their partner. Another study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, the most renown journal in the field of marital and family therapy, found that premarital couples counseling helped increased confidence in their ability to discuss important topics and helped clients better understand their partner. Who wouldn’t want those dynamics in their marriage? Premarital couples counseling is a great tool to prevent divorce and increase a stable foundation in the relationship.

Premarital couples counseling can be brief, comprising of approximately 10 sessions or less. First, the therapist will work with the clients to conduct a relationship assessment—identifying strengths and weaknesses in the relationship. Following the assessment the therapist will then work with the couple to set goals to help overcome challenges. Then the therapist will teach the clients skills that will help them establish a solid foundation in their relationship. These skills can include:

  • Learning to communicate more effectively.
  • Avoiding toxic resentments.
  • Setting realistic expectations.
  • Conflict resolution techniques.

Premarital couples counseling is one of the best investments a couple can make for their marriage. At Connections Counseling Services, our licensed therapists are skilled in helping couples prepare for challenges in their relationship, thereby decreasing the likelihood of divorce and increasing marital satisfaction. Enter your marriage prepared and confident by giving your relationship the gift of premarital couples counseling.

References:

American Psychological Association

Larson, J. H., Vatter, R. S., Galbraith, R. C., Holman, T. B., & Stahmann, R. F. (2007). The RELATionship Evaluation (RELATE) With Therapist-Assisted Interpretation: Short-Term Effects on Premarital Relationships. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 33(3), 364–374.

The Mayo Clinic

Naylor, S. (2014). Everything you need to know about premarital counseling. The Huffington Post.

Stanley, S. M., Amato, P. R., Johnson, C. A., & Markman, H. J. (2006). Premarital education, marital quality, and marital stability: Findings from a large, random household survey. Journal of Family Psychology, 20(1), 117–126.

Choosing the Best Therapist for You

by Kyle M. Reid, LMFT

Choosing the best therapist for you can be difficult. This is the person you hope to share your deepest darkest secrets with!!!   You might ask, “How can I know if I will be able to trust him or her!” “How do I know if this person is right for me?” “How can I know they can help me?” or “Can they really understand what I am going through?”

It’s important to ask yourself these questions and find someone that you feel understands your needs and that you can trust to help you. Many people seeking help can go through several therapists until they find the one they are comfortable with. A good therapist understands this and will respect your choice to find safety. As a practicing therapist, I have functioned in both the capacity of someone’s first therapist as well as someone’s last.

Research has shown that the best outcomes in therapy come from two very general dynamics (Cooper & Lesser, 2011, p.33; (Teyber & McClure, 2011):

  1. The client’s comfort and connection with the therapist and
  2. The therapists sense of hope in the client’s progress.

In practical terms, this means to attend one or two initial sessions and trust your instincts on whether there is a good connection. You may need to explore different therapists – but it is worth it.

Here are some other thoughts to consider:

  • We Don’t Sell!
    • Be aware that a good therapist will be inviting, but will not try to sell you on their treatment….you may feel motivated to continue with a therapist after the first session(s), but you won’t feel pressure.
  • We are All Unique!
    • Every therapist has a different personality and a different style of practice. For example some may be skilled at listening and letting you come up with solutions, some are more directive. Choose the person that you feel will suit your needs and personality. Ask your therapist what his/her process of change looks like in dealing with your issues. Understand your treatment plan.
  • We Don’t Give You Fish….We Teach You to Fish!
    • Both the therapist and the client need to be working together towards the issues that the client feel are important towards him and her. A therapist doesn’t force the client to change or make a habit of telling the client a specific course of action to resolve a dilemma. They should however, help you develop skills and perspectives that allow you to own and solve your own issues effectively. In this way you continue to grow long after therapy is over. Assignments and opening your heart and mind to new perspectives are important in this regard, not necessarily advice giving. Over time, you will learn to both trust yourself and work with others in getting answers.
  • There is No “Right” Way!
    • There are many different theories of practice out there (e.g. cognitive-behavioral therapy, emotional focused therapy, etc.) and many different types of therapists (LMFT, LCSW, CMHC or LPC, Psychologists, Psychiatrists). Ask your therapist what theories they practice and how they view change and progress with individuals and families. Ask them to give you a basic outline of these theories.
  • Be Committed to the Process!
    • Most therapists will do a 15-30 minute consultation for free to find out all of these questions and get to know them more; here at Connections, we offer a 30 minute consultation. Don’t be afraid to shop around. But when you do choose a therapist, spend more than a few sessions with them. Therapy can take time. If you find yourself not progressing or feeling uneasy in your session, or if you are concerned with how your therapist is handling certain issues, talk to them about it! A good therapist will be open and helpful with this information. They will be respectful of your issues and seek to come to an understanding of your needs if you feel they don’t already.
  • We Don’t Need our Ego Brushed. Be Honest with Your Feelings!
    • There have been many times clients have been concerned with how I say something or do a certain therapeutic process, but will be afraid to speak up. If I don’t catch it right away, the client will not receive the amazing benefits that come from working through relationship concerns with someone skilled in this process. When a client opens up about some of his/her concerns, these can be some of the most uplifting, growth inducing processes in a session. It is necessary to have a safe and open dialogue with your therapist. If you feel that you can’t, you need to be direct and honest with them.
    • If you feel that you aren’t understood or heard when this happens, be honest and seek to find a therapist you feel that you can be honest with and that you feel will validate your concerns. Often times this isn’t about the therapist or you as the client nearly as much as it is about the therapeutic style, personality compatibility, and your current motivations for change and growth. Don’t be afraid to be honest with your feelings towards your therapist. A good therapist will be able to emotionally handle any feedback they are given. You are paying them to help you. They understand this. Don’t waste your money on unsaid and unspoken language.
  • Not all Therapists Are Trained the Same!
    • There are different types of therapists that are best suited for specific issues. Ask your counselor what they are trained in. Therapists have been trained on most client issues but their training and approach is particularly suited to some issues more than others. Ask your therapist about their experience in the areas that are of interest to you. As an MFT (marriage and family therapist), people will often assume that I only specialize in family and couple counseling but not individual counseling. This is a mistaken assumption. Most MFTs work mostly with individuals with a variety of issues. They are just trained to view many problems in the context of the relationship and family system. Psychiatrists and psychologists are often misunderstood as well. Psychiatrists attend medical school and most of their work consist of diagnosing and prescribing medication. Psychologists don’t prescribe medication but can diagnose and test. Most therapists have the training to diagnose, but might send you to a psychiatrist or psychologist for further testing or medication.

A Few Final Points…

Recognize your expectations with the therapy process and open up to your therapist about them. Clients will often expect their therapists to lead the counseling sessions. Meier and Davis discuss a few important factors to consider when starting counseling:

  • The pain can get worse before it gets better, so consider with your therapist if the pain you are experiencing in therapy is legitimate pain of growth, or if it is making things worse.
  • Therapists take confidentiality very seriously but you should talk to your counselor about the exceptions to confidentiality.
  • People who go to counseling are those with the courage and capacity to seek and consider input in helping them function more happily and effectively in their every day lives. Getting help is not a weakness….

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Kyle Reid Therapist Utah

 

Kyle is a Marriage and Family
Therapist, specializing in individual,
relationship, and family work.