Tag: Kyle M. Reid

“I’m Struggling to Overcome My Pornography Addiction, How Do I Know If I Need a Higher Level of Treatment?”

by Kyle M. Reid, LMFT

Pornography Addiction Treatment

Working on overcoming an addiction to pornography can be a difficult and shameful experience. However, we often side on doing what is absolutely necessary but not required in treating our addictions.

Unfortunately, denial is one of the primary symptoms of any addict. Any addict wants to believe that they don’t “need” a counselor…or go to a SA group… or tell anyone about their issue. Every addict wants to believe that they can do this on their own. Sadly, this is a lie all addicts can themselves to avoid looking at the truth of their situation. As long as this lie is fed, the addiction isn’t going anywhere. The behavior might stop but it will most likely transfer to other addictions or problems.

In the end, recovery from a sex addiction isn’t really about the sex at all… or the food…. or the drugs…. It’s about learning to live with those things about ourselves that we fear the most to be true. It’s about facing the fear of connecting with others and trusting that others are not going to tell us that we just aren’t good enough…… When it comes down to it, addiction really is just an intimacy problem. The struggle to connect and bond with others. An addict always wants more but within the confines of what they can control. All addicts struggle to embrace accountability and vulnerability. So to answer the question…. It depends.

Not every addict “needs” a counselor, but if you find yourself asking this question to yourself and looking for evidence to support the “I will only do what is absolutely necessary” mentality, then you probably already know the answer to that question. What do you have to lose? The reality is an addict won’t change until they are ready and willing to do whatever it takes to overcome and change. Including…getting the necessary treatment.

 

Call today to schedule and appointment with Kyle at 801.272.3420

Can I Be Happy?

Can I Be Happy?by Kyle M. Reid, LMFT

In a lecture on vulnerability, Brene Brown discusses our tendency to be afraid of experiencing joy in our lives. She said, “When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding. I have never come across an emotion or affect [in my research] that is as difficult to feel as joy. Joy is probably the most vulnerable feeling or emotion that we experience. We are afraid to soften into it or lean fully into it because we are waiting… for the other the other shoe to drop” (clip from The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity, Connection and Courage).

In my experience as a clinician, I have seen this within myself and my clients. I truly believe that one of the biggest risks for mental health problems is when we refuse to find happiness in our present realities and relationships. Many of us often spend more time with our own fantasies than we do with the people who we claim to be the most important to us. We start to live our lives with what I like to call the “if/then factor.” We say to ourselves, “If I had more money, then I will be happy” or “If I had a different partner or a different relationship, then I could be happy.” We can do this for years never truly experiencing what it means to be happy or find joy in our lives. We long for the day when we can truly have joy. Then we compare our lives to those around us making assumptions that our “friends” have the happiness we seek. What many of us seem to forget in those moments is that our “friends” are most likely doing the same things to us in return. Many of us can’t see this because of our natural struggle as human beings to see the good in our present circumstances, whilst at the same time requiring little effort for us and others to see good in the lives of those around us.

Whether it’s waiting for the time when we can get married to the perfect person… or when we can have our first child… or when we can get our first house… or find our perfect career… the years start to pass by and the things that really matter to us in the end becomes neglected. The problem is that those things which bring us the most joy are often the things we are afraid of the most. Unfortunately, the relationships that we fear the most are the ones we come home to every day.

My challenge to those seeking joy in their lives is to start today with accepting the lot you have been given and chosen in life. Stay out of fantasy! Put down your cell phone or Ipad for the night and spend time with those you care about the most. Enjoy your time with them without thinking about your worries or fears of what’s to come your way. Don’t fret… I’m sure your worries and concerns will be there tomorrow when you wake up😉

Call today to schedule and appointment with Kyle at 801.272.3420

Infidelity in Relationships

By Kyle M. Reid, LMFT

Sexual infidelity in a relationship causes significant distress to the partner that falls victim to it. Sexual infidelity can encompass a variety of behaviors. These behaviors include, but are not limited to, sexually acting out, having an emotional affair with another person outside of the relationship, or viewing pornographic images.

Regardless of the type of infidelity, all may have equally damaging effects on the partner who is victimized.

If the partners want to make things work, seeking counseling is important for the couple and often the family.  Much of the therapy experience, at the beginning, is dedicated to exploring the emotional betrayal and trauma of the injured partner. The ability to express and work through this pain with his or her partner present can be invaluable to the healing process.

However, this can often be a difficult thing to do if the offending partner or the offender is seeking to move on from the infidelity. He or she might not wish to revisit all the hurt and pain that had been caused by the infidelity. They might worry that their partner will not be able to move past it, or that talking about it makes it worse.

When this happens, couples often get stuck in the cycle of the offended partner becoming an anxious and fearful  detective  – always assessing what their partner is doing and where they are going, and the offender feeling controlled and frustrated with their partner for not being able to move on and trusting them again.

In actuality, as the offended partner works through the emotional trauma associated with the infidelity and is able to feel validated and understood by their partner, he or she is able to move on in the relationship much more quickly and come to a place of forgiveness.

However, getting to forgiveness is difficult if the offender continues to commit infidelity in the relationship due to sexual or pornography compulsions. When this happens, much of the work is centered on helping the offended partner establish appropriate boundaries as well as reaching out and leaning on others for support and strength. At the same time, the offender must stay in recovery in order to leave their addiction or compulsion behind and begin to understand the needs that he or she is trying to meet in the process of acting out.

Building a string, loving and healthy attachment bond between the two partners and obtaining long term sobriety from the partner with the addiction or compulsion – is the ultimate goal in this process.   Marriages can become much stronger as result of this tragedy when proper work is done in understanding and healing issues that led the couple came to where they are.  (Examining the relationship prior to the infidelity can also be crucial due to the fact the infidelity often occurs after the relationship starts to get disconnected).

Help through therapy can be an important step in this process.  Many couples in our clinic have discovered a stronger relationship as result of working through the pain and finding individual and couple healing from the infidelity. While some couples have decided to part as result of the infidelity, others have sought to make things work; all can find healing and forgiveness from the pain and betrayal of infidelity.

 


 

Kyle
Kyle is a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in parenting and
individual and family work, including the effects of pornography.