I encourage my sponsees toward a brief summary of the “incident pattern” that led to the negative feelings….this helps ensure they stay focused on the character weaknesses that lead to and follow from the “pattern” to help ensure they don’t start feeling stuck in a long negative narrative – but keep the “big picture” perspective and healing.
So for example, one might say:
My Dad:
Abused me physically from quite young, never paid attention to me or mentored me in anything, regularly betrayed my mom, watched porn with me I was young, made fun of my penis, favored my sister in conflicts.
My part (not always ones fault, but things they might still tend to do which are outdated now that they are grown): I was selfish and irritating and self-absorbed. I wasn’t reaching out to connect with Dad in a mature way, I would do things that I knew he wouldn’t like, I would make insulting side comments. I punched him in the shoulder, I looked down on him.
Character weaknesses: Victim stancing, resentment, self-absorption, isolation, fear of people, retreat to lust, desperately wanting approval from others, feeling God doesn’t care about me.
Doing this step in this way should help us to see the person who may have harmed us with forgiveness, and helps us see our own weaknesses in a kindly way but one where we don’t feel inclined to act or feel in those ways any anymore – but can see other better ways of being..
